The look I got wasn’t what I was expecting. I had gone long and beyond to make sure this happened and excitement was what I gunned to received. I ruminated on the question posed to me for a while and had no idea what the best response was.
I wasn’t sure anymore, this was supposed to be a walk in the park, a thing the man standing in front of me should be beaming about but oppose was the case. At least from my point of view. The words he eventually voiced confirmed that as well.
“My daughter, I trust that you will make the best choice because I trust your judgment but this is not the best of it. This isn’t you.”
There are very few people who truly get me, my dad is one of them and top on that list and the fact that lately, he is becoming a man of very few words made what he said more penetrating. As much as I cannot go into detail, I can assure you, the end goal was to make him proud, I must confess I never really cared about the event. It was chilling to discover also that people pleasing has cost the very things I desired the most- respect.
That evening alone in my room, I sat to recall all the times I have left my heart at home and carried in my head intentions to please one person or the other. The list ran in pages.
The day I went to a party I didn’t want because I didn’t want my group of friends to think I was a bore.
Finishing the food on my plate even though my body doesn’t need because “you can’t waste food or even complain about what you got”. My stepmom ain’t got that time and I didn’t want to displease her either.
The time I let go of a dream job because I carried out a project for an aunt and I didn’t want her to dislike me if I disappointed.
The list of what I did, did not do and should have done flooded my mine it ridiculous accurate information, I was surprised how over the years I had trained myself not to trust my own judgment. It is a shame for anyone to believe that one’s not good enough and everybody else is smarter, usually it isn’t true. If there is any consolation, I beat myself down for weeks, not for past event but more about the one I had earlier stated and I promised myself not to put “me” in those shoes ever again, the feeling was dark and that happens when you know without a doubt that you have hurt the one you love the most.
Have I kept my promise, not so much but I have not broken that promise intentionally either.
I am a work in progress.
I have learned a couple of things and here
1. You can never please EVERYBODY
2. You will never give 100% knowing you are just doing so to be seen or praised
3. You are very likely to piss off or hurt those you had planned to impress
4. You will never be true to yourself
5. When you stick to the habit to ling, you will spread too thin and lose your true self.
This is a fact and I can assure you unlearning the process is a much harder work than learning the habit, to begin with.
Be you, that is one of the best gifts you can give yourself beside every other person is taken already no matter how much you admire and wish to be them. That also is the only way to earn back the respect you are worth.